Conrad “Tubby” Black, the palaverous peer who forfeited his Canadian citizenship for a plush seat in the House of Lords at the Palace of Westminster, has been booted by that august chamber, poor thing.
Mr. Black – variously known as Baron Black of Crossharbour, Lord Black, and Inmate No. 18330-424 of the Federal Correctional Complex Coleman for his misdeeds – is not to be confused with the fondly remembered racing legend Donald Eugene “Tubby” Black, 17-time track champion at various raceways near Farmington, Missouri, who passed his final checkered flag in September 2013.
By contrast, no one seems to remember the Canadian-born Tubby Black very fondly, even his peerless fellows in the House of Lords, although quite a few of them apparently recall him not at all, so seldom did he darken the door of their chamber.
He is probably best known for installing heated towel racks in his Toronto mansion, which seems like a redundant frippery when one has enough money to pay servants to remove them as soon as they’re damp. Still, Mr. Black once had a certain minor cachet as a publisher of moribund newspapers who wrapped his logorrhoea in such magniloquent grandiloquence that credulous conservatives often mistook his turgid ramblings for insight.
According to Baron McFall of Alcluith, Speaker of the House of Lords, the prodigal peer needed to be amputated like a gangrenous limb “by virtue of nonattendance,” an odd way to put it for a personage of so little virtue. But, needs must in such punctilious circles, one supposes.
The axe fell on Tuesday, Lord Alcluith said. It fell so softly that Mr. Black claimed in an interview with the CBC Wednesday that he didn’t feel a thing, and indeed knew nothing about it until the broadcaster’s scribbler called. Well, perhaps he forgot to check his email.
Regardless, this obviously means that fulfilling his duty as a member of the Lords mattered considerably less to the Montreal-born Mr. Black than did his entry into that chamber in 1999 when he was still a dual Canadian and British citizen.
Mr. Black engaged in a vociferous and vituperous two-year squabble with the government of Jean Chrétien, who had been abused regularly by Mr. Black’s squalid pifflesheet, commonly known as The National Pest, when the prime minister cleverly recalled that back in 1919 the Canadian House of Commons had passed a resolution asking King George V to, for heaven’s sake, stop bestowing British titles on Canucks.
The resolution may never have been forwarded to the then resolutely royalist Canadian Senate, but it was good enough for Mr. Chrétien and anyone who has ever worked in a less-than-exalted position for any of Mr. Black’s wretched newspapers.
After a couple of years of trying unsuccessfully to sue the prime minister, Lord Tubby, as he was unfondly known among the ranks for the Fourth Estate, renounced his Canadian passport in 2001 and flounced off to London long enough to take his seat in the Lords.
It turns out he only took his seat 20 times, though, all in the first two years after his appointment. Alas for Mr. Black, that turned out not to be enough.
Mr. Black later took up business opportunities in the United States, eventually earning himself a stay in the aforementioned federal institution in Coleman, Fla., which, in fairness, would have made casting his votes in the House of Lords problematic for a spell.
He returned to his home and native land after his release from that U.S. prison in 2012. He was granted a pardon by then U.S. President Donald Trump, now himself a felon in his own right, in 2019. At some point in that period, someone seems to have given him his Canadian citizenship back.
If one accepts the merit of the principle of guilt by association, having been recommended for a peerage by Tony Blair (who as prime minister lied Britain into the disastrous Iraq invasion) and pardoned by Donald Trump (whose record as president speaks for itself) is no recommendation for anything, even a seat near the back of the Lords.
Still, recently Mr. Black has been heard to muse that he would like to take up his lordly duties there again. “I will be relaunching my career as a legislator,” he told his former organ, The Pest, last year.
Too late.
That said, it would seem he remains a peer, just one without a seat in the Lords. No one seems to have asked if there is any avenue of appeal. Perhaps he could try to sue Sir Kier Starmer.
Then again, if Mr. Trump returns to power south of the Medicine Line, as MAGA God-Emperor he may be able to find a legislative sinecure to reward his loyal defender. After all, Caligula is said to have appointed his horse to the Senate. Why not Mr. Black as well?
In the meantime, somebody had to take him back. He is our native son, after all, even without his wokely illustrated Canadian passport, and so our cross to bear.
While it may seem as if he never had much loyalty to anything except his own ego, even a ship that flies the flag of whatever jurisdiction offers the most favourable tax loopholes has some scrap value.
We wouldn’t want to have even a former Canadian citizen spending two decades wandering the halls of some airport, deprived of a passport from anywhere, now would we?
In the immortal words of Fotheringham, I think it was “Lord Almost”.
It’s my recollection that Dalton Camp first laid that moniker on Lord Almost in his Toronto Star opinion columns. A longtime Tory and supporter of Brian Mulroney, Camp later in life flipped the script and became the Tories’ biggest bugbear. Lord Almost, a favourite target, was likely delighted after Camp’s passing at age 81 in 2002.
Tom and D&G: It would not have been unlike Mr. Fotheringham to have plagiarized a line as good as Lord Almost. He was famous for it. DJC
The only song for Capitan Black of Shallow Harbours! https://youtu.be/AL8chWFuM-s?t=1
Now you mention it, I think you’re right, it was Dalton Camp. Thanks!
He used to be referred to in Frank as “Lord Black of Cross-Dressing”.
Black seemed to start out the millennium quite well doing his best impression or caricature of a press baron from an earlier era, at the twilight of a time when newspapers still mattered and could still be fairly profitable.
No doubt Blair then realized Black’s favorable press coverage could be helpful and went about to find out what else the almost billionaire, who could buy most things, wanted and somehow a peerage came up.
Sadly for Black, at this his best moment, the downfall started. First, the Canadian Prime Minister who had not benefited from favourable coverage by Black, forced a decision on him – Canadian citizenship or a British title. The later seemed more prestigious at the time, so Black chose it. Then came his run ins with the US law for questionable business practices and after that incarceration in the US. So for a while he had a very good excuse for non attendance to his British duties which came with the prestigous titles. But then he was released, got his Canadian citizenship back and was even pardoned by US President Trump. Is it a coincidence Black continues to say glowing things about the former President to this day, when he writes occasionally in the press?
Well a lot happened and Black had enough friends in high places to get past his legal and citizenship troubles. No doubt he was meaning to eventually get back to those British duties, but there were so many distractions.
Well he has now finally been relieved of those duties. I doubt the new British PM will be as friendly to Black as his Labour predecessor was for a number of reasons. So perhaps the former Lord will now have even more reason to commiserate with the former convicted President about all their perceived injustices and slights. Maybe with the extra time he has now without having to think of those duties, he can write (another) book. He has quite the story to tell and he remains quite the storyteller.
Best column in ages! I loved it.
“There has been no involvement of anyone on the political side of the government on this, Harper responded. ”
“Other members of the NDP, peppered Immigration Minister Jason Kenny with why others, including those who are critical of Tory policies ,were denied admisability , while Black gets in.
” Every foreign national who is inadmissible can make an application. They are all considered based on the same legal criteria (*) by our highly- trained independent public servants, Kenny countered….”
Global News- May 2 2012
Politics aren’t behind Black’s return :PM
(*) same legal criteria?? Now there’s a scary thought!
Word semantics, seems to be a big part of the Con-servatives playbook, doesn’t it?
The whole truth and nothing but the truth is only if you get caught– without an expensive lawyer– and you can’t put the onus on someone else by attacking them first.
The National Pest. Very fitting, given the tripe that comes out of that “newspaper”.
I saw the premier issue, and thought immediately it was the ‘Post National’, which I thought reflected Mr. Black’s opinion of Canada better.
Paul: They served cake on paper plates in the pressroom when the first edition rolled off the Calgary Herald’s now dismantled press. It wasn’t bad, actually. The cake, I mean. DJC
How is it a convicted felon that does not hold a Canadian Passport just show up and start living in Canada? Canada put out the “Welcome Mat” for this convicted felon during Harper’s reign of error. I thought the cons hated both crime and immigration. It appears the cons have no problem turning a blind eye on both crime and immigration when it is one of their own, Lord Tubby.
Why don’t you tell us how you really feel about “tubby”? Great writing!
My heart bleeds for poor Lady Barbara. Perhaps she still has her shoes to console her.
The famous shoe column! Who can forget? Not I. Alas, dear Lady Babs might find herself needing something from the orthopedic selection at Amazon in her dotage/infirm years. The horror! Oxford shoes will do for now. Don’t look for contrition. Lady B regrets none of it, absolutely nothing. Listen here, while she tells a little story, sadly lacking summers in Rangoon; I really wanted summers in Rangoon. Now I see why salt-of-the-earth farmers in PEI were ready to grab pitchforks in pre-Confederation days.
https://www.thestar.com/entertainment/books/i-didn-t-think-i-was-that-horrid-but-i-knew-i-d-obviously-done/article_dab1e939-e730-5000-b8a6-ea8cfe015e76.html
The National Pest, like anything Postmedia, has no journalistic integrity.
This is a very good pair of examples. Danielle Smith was involved with another conflict of interest here, by promoting a restaurant that she and her husband own. Goverment MLAs, ministers, and the premier are supposed to be following the law, with conflicts of interest. Their assets are supposed to be in something called blind trust, which means no contact, no access, and no involvement with their financial interests. The National Pest, and other Postmedia newspapers, were avoiding that fact, and also avoiding the fact that as a dishwasher, and a restaurant employee, proper health and safety protocols have to be met, which Danielle Smith didn’t follow. Along with this, The National Pest, and other Postmedia newspapers were advertising the restaurant. This is shoddy journalism at its best, and the comments show people who are oblivious as to how wrong all of this is. If this happened even a decade ago, this would land a political leader in hot water, and the newspaper editorial staff would also get into trouble.
https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/alberta-premier-danielle-smith-works-a-weekend-shift-at-her-restaurant-doing-dishes
https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/premier-danielle-smith-the-dining-car-restaurant-for-sale
I enjoyed you recalling CB’s vexatious penchant for using Very Long Uncommon Words with your own alliterative tongue-twisters. Palaverous peers! Logorrhoea of magniloquent grandiloquence!
What a mouthful of fun for a Friday morning. Thank you.
edit note: think you mean to type except instead of expect in 2nd last sentence
Thank you, Mairi, for your kind words and for alerting me to what is, I’m afraid, an habitual typo. It’s been fixed. DJC
These rich people are so precious aren’t they?
Imagine myself giving up Canadian citinzenship and somehow get it back again because I am cute.
It is so obvious the advantages these people have and still act as if they are just normal citizens.
How come is lordship was not taken away with him being a fellon? Is this the same as the other one in the US that can even control the Supremem Court?
For a moment I thought the post was written by Rex Murphy!
I only have the condensed version of Colliers dictionary so many of the words are still new to me!
TB: My own computer’s spell-check gave me a vey hard tine with palaverous, which I can assure readers is a real word and spelled correctly. DJC
I’m OK with spell-check, but auto correct drives me nuts. It is my worst enema.
Bob: AI has made it much worse, much harder to use. It’s artificial, but it’s not really intelligent. It guesses a lot, and it usually guesses wrong. DJC
Now I understand why PEI joined Confederation, so as to do away with Lords who owned land gifted to them in PEI, while tenant farmers who worked the land were not allowed to own any of it. The farmers tired of living in the same system which in the old country cleared them from their homes, burned their churches (thus destroying Bibles holding genealogical records of their clan ancestry) and sent them fleeing to Canada, only to be replaced by sheep. Lady Hamilton of New York, widow of Lord Hamilton and absentee landlord, was the one reviled by my ancestors, or so the oral history goes.
PEI farmers were near ready to march with well-used pitchforks in another century, according to the lore. Lords. Who needs ’em?
“Lord Tubby … renounced his Canadian passport in 2021 and flounced off to London long enough to take his seat in the Lords.” Is this also a typo? The timeline doesn’t seem to jibe with that of his conviction and incarceration in the Benighted States …
Thank you, Jerry. Lord Tubby renounced his Canadian citizenship in 2001, 2021, of course. Thanks for spotting this typo, which has been fixed. DJC
It’s forever the “Ignited States” in my mind, Jerry, as mispronounced by a child, perfectly.
Thank you DC, lots of laughs. I did once stay as a guest in a house that had heated towel racks. The point of such a luxury is not to speed the drying of damp towels, but rather to heat the dry towels, so when one steps out of the bath into a chilly room, one can wrap oneself up pleasantly. I would have thought them redundant in houses with central heating, which presumably includes Tubby’s.
Simon: Good point. Although we can’t be certain, I suppose, that Lord Tubby and Lady Barbarella are not now living on the streets of Toronto, with or without their towel heaters. DJC
But dear Lady Babs is reduced to wearing a pavé brooch of unknown provenance, likely rhinestone from Dollarama. Her shoes did not appear to be Manolos, either. She might even have bought a portable plug-in towel warmer from Canadian Tire. The suffering!
Black of Crossharbour deserves to be Horse Whipped for excessive verbosity and dereliction of duty as a Lord of the Realm!
“Well, well, well, would you look at that!—it’s a rarely-sighted Cross Barred Hardblower!”
“No, dear,” my darling gently says as she tips my reading glasses down from my brow, “ that’s the rarely-cited Conrad Black, Lord of Cross Harbour of the British Parliament—,”
“—FORMER Lord of Cross Harbour, my dove,” I remind, so’s not to be outdone.
“By God!—that’s a very, veeeeeeery rarely-sighted Squalid Pifflesheet!”
“No, dear,” she corrects, gently turning my binoculars around,” that’s a Pallid Pipit Shrike; the Squalid Pifflesheet is actually all-too common.”
“Indubitably,” I concur gracefully […ngh!…]
+10,000 points! I am sure Lord Hot Potato ran back to Canada only because the constabulary were close of accusing him in the great thesaurus theft of 2000. His protestations of being innocent, honest, legitimate, pure, uninvolved, virtuous, clean, clear, good, guiltless, safe, stainless, upright, innocent, blameless, untainted, unimpeachable, above suspicion, angelic, chaste, clean handed, exemplary, faultless, immaculate only added to their suspicions.
I was doing an antique show at the Royal Winter Fair when Tubby’s piffleship debuted. A couple of well dressed, well coifed young women were posted at the coffee bar to hand out free copies. Everybody took one on day one. By day three they couldn’t get rid of any.
That’s when I started calling it The Last Post.
“squalid pifflesheet” Bravo Mr. Climenhaga!!!1! I LOLd heartily!
Good point, that when it’s all done Canada has to take him back. He’s our problem, ultimately.
But the same point should apply to those Canadians who were involved with ISIS, by deed or by marriage. They are/were Canadians, and we should take them back as our responsibility. I mean, both have been held in prisons.
Paul: Absolutely agree. DJC
DJC— or staying at the new “Alberta Embassy ” ?
That could explain the photo op from earlier this year … A room for m’lord and m’lady; but of course the Embassy would make a a palatable, though humble respite for weary travelers.
_____________________________
Time check?
Are Elizabeth M / Father’s of Confederation a backdrop inspiration to the eloquence of said testimonial ?
Or was it just an exceptional lobster dinner? Lol
If yes, you brought the rain, again…
Given Tubby Black’s penchant for hyperbole and a vocabulary that is both voluminous and ponderous, one can only presume that he’s the sort of person who favours ostentatious ceremony over anything resembling normal behaviour. To wit, let us examine his career, as Peter C. Newman once referred to him as, The Establishment Man. Black, for all his ambition, was never able to achieve anything by honest means. His fleecing and pillaging of the well-established Argus Corp, which was the height of his grifting ways, made him famous and infamous all at once. Black rose to such heights, he actually believed himself to be Apollo; yet, when he flew too close to the sun, he became little more than low-rent Icarus. His epic battle with Jean Chretien proved to be little more than a tempest in the teapot, as Black cast off his Canadian citizenship to become his true calling: His Lordship, Lord Conrad Black of Crossharbour.
His move to London, UK, with his socialite wife, Barbara Amiel, herself an annoying gadfly, straight from the pages of TorSun and Maclean’s Magazine, they became the new power couple on the Knightsbridge social circuit, appearing at many, many functions and events, where they were feted by captains of industry, politics, and the British Royal Family. Lord and Lady Black once attended a costume party where he was dressed up as Cardinal Richelieu, while Amiel was decked out a Marie Antoinette. Suffice it to say, while Amiel certainly lived up to the ill-fated Bourbon queen’s consumptive excess, His Lordship had nothing on the Richelieu’s cunning and guile. In other words, Black wasn’t a very bright boy and everyone knew it. Black’s billionaire’s tastes on a millionaire’s balance sheet were out of whack with reality, leading him to embezzle millions from his own Hollinger Media Group. Eventually sued by Hollinger shareholders, Black was sentenced to time at club-fed while he filed his many appeals. Hollinger board member, Donald J. Trump, took pity on the fallen Black and handed him an 11th hour presidential pardon. With this restoration, His Grace sought to return to Canada and recovery his citizenship, which was magnanimously granted to him, by order of PMJT. Black had to downsize, selling his ancestral estate on Toronto’s tony Bridle Path neighbourhood, while Amiel had to dispose of her many closets of Guccis, Pradas, and Balenciagas. Yeah, being barely royalty was a tough pill for Black to swallow. So much so that he forsook his seat in the House of Lords, never to return to its hallowed chamber again.
While my prose is pretty decent, I leave it to ChatGPT to write an account of Conrad Black’s life, in the style of Conrad Black, of course …
Conrad Black, a man of unyielding fortitude and unparalleled intellectual prowess, embarked upon a life that transcended the ordinary and etched itself into the annals of modern history. Born into affluence yet destined for greatness, I, Conrad Black, navigated the corridors of power with an unwavering determination to leave an indelible mark upon the world.
From the hallowed halls of academia to the tumultuous arena of media moguls, my journey was one of ceaseless ambition and relentless pursuit of excellence. With a keen intellect honed at leading institutions such as Carleton University and McGill University, I ventured forth into the realms of business and journalism, wielding my pen like a sword and my words like arrows that pierced through the veil of ignorance.
As the proprietor of vast media empires and a titan of industry, I grappled with adversaries both political and personal, weathering storms that would have felled lesser men. The trials and tribulations of my career, punctuated by triumphs and tempered by setbacks, underscored a resilience and resolve that defined my very essence.
Yet, amidst the clamor of boardrooms and the glare of headlines, my passion for literature and history burned brightly, shaping my worldview and informing my every decision. A connoisseur of culture and a patron of the arts, I reveled in the pursuit of knowledge and the refinement of the mind.
My legacy, though subject to the vagaries of public opinion, stands as a testament to the boundless potential of the human spirit. For I, Conrad Black, have lived a life of consequence and conviction, leaving an indelible imprint upon the tapestry of modernity that shall endure for generations to come.
Congratulations on a thesaurian epistile of brobdingnagian proportion. Clearly, the endomorphic nawab obviated the abashment of facing his peers following his immurement as a guest of the US Department of Corrections.
The fact that the immensely rich and powerful corporate class can obtain pardons from crime and citizenships at will is only a testimony that we live in a corporatocracy, not a democracy.
Oh yes, Lord Pudding of Mudchute. Brobdingnagian words and Lilliputian wisdom.
Thank you for the post and all the comments. Made my day.