We don’t know who these two guys are, but they could face a $99 fine if they come to Alberta now and hang around looking the this! (Photo: Justin Trudeau/Flickr).

Alberta will take the next step today in its transition to the elimination of all public COVID-19 restrictions by banning the use of cloth and paper face masks in public places.

“As Alberta leaves broad-based COVID-19 restrictions behind and moves into the endemic phase of the disease, it’s important that we do so with unity and clarity as opposed to the division and confusion that has turned Albertans against one another throughout the pandemic,” the government is expected to say in a statement to be released later today.

Doesn’t matter how colourful they are, we don’t want you wearing them in Alberta (Photo: Taiwan News).

A draft copy of the statement indicates that the province had hoped lifting virtually all COVID restrictions would be enough to make COVID skeptics, vaccine-use opponents and people who do their own Internet research feel welcome once again as full partners in Alberta society. 

“Disappointingly, that has not happened, with many Albertans, particularly in Edmonton and Calgary, still wearing medical masks in restaurants, retail stores, offices, recreation facilities and even parks and outdoor venues,” the draft statement says. 

Alberta will not allow voters and taxpayers who have done their own research on vaccines to continue to be discriminated against by anti-social elements who insist on wearing cloth and paper ‘COVID masks’ around them when the government has already declared the pandemic to be over, the decree, which is expected to be published later this morning, will say. 

Masks will be restricted to extremely limited circumstances, such as masked political fund-raising parties (Photo: Instagram).

This will just make people feel bad, so anyone caught wearing a surgical mask or industrial breathing apparatus outside a list of extremely limited settings, such as operating theatres, bioweapons research labs, automotive paint shops and masked political fund-raising parties will face fines of $99 for a first offence, and higher for repeat offences. Fines may be paid in Bitcoin or other cryptocurrencies. 

Some of the funds raised through fines will go to a new initiative of Alberta’s United Conservative Party Government, the Alberta Internet Research Education Foundation, a “Facts War Room” that will help Web users identify fake news published by foreign-funded supporters of the Global Elite’s effort to establish a New World Order. 

A tip line will be set up where co-workers, neighbours and teachers can report citizens who insist on hurting their family members’, colleagues’ and friends’ feelings and disrupting society by continuing to wear unneeded COVID masks. 

In a novel approach to encourage former mask wearers to return to a healthier lifestyle and make a positive contribution to society, the policy will include a provision for remission of fines for those willing to renounce masking, join a political party, and take part in its leadership review vote.

Affected persons may join any Alberta political party that holds a leadership review vote before May 12, 2022. 

As a convenience to Albertans who have made the decision to end their anti-social behaviour, new party members will not have to vote in person but can arrange to have a party member cast a ballot on their behalf.

The date on this story is April 1. As most of you should have figured out by now, that is a strong indicator that the information in the story is not actually true. At least, it’s not true yet. DJC 

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27 Comments

  1. Nice one DJC …I was about to email my sister in Edmonton just to listen to her hit the 170/20 about Bumbles latest …Thanks for the giggles….but as a sidebar I’d just finished reading the “Banana Republic” article, and your article wouldn’t surprise me…2 thumbs up.

  2. Good one David but you are likely not far wrong. That’s how the conservatives in my world feel about these idiots. Like Danielle Smith, and Brian Jean what a farce they have become.

    1. FWIW I work in a rural hospital. We don’t have a public health nurse anymore, we lost her to burnout from having to deal with aggressive, poorly-informed members of the public threatening her and her family with violence and legal action and for some reason nobody else wants the job, whodathunkit? It’s now very difficult for locals to access basic services like birth control, regular childrens’ immunizations, appointments where children are assessed to make sure they are hitting development milestones, etc. We had a nurse shortage before covid happened, now we are barely getting by. This morning 8 of us had to waste an hour in a meeting because an aggressive, poorly informed Karen came into our hospital yesterday and bullied several of our staff about absurd conspiracy theories and is now in the process of filing formal complaints against two of our nurses, and when those nurses get suspended while the claim is reviewed we are literally only going to have one nurse in the ER. Today I am covering two desks because we are also short staffed for clerical positions (as well as pretty much everything else). The soonest bookable appointment with a doctor I can offer for people is May 17. We don’t have a screener anymore, there is no one willing to do it. On any given day, we have 1-6 staff members home with covid out of a total staff of maybe 70. Many of our staff members have gotten covid multiple times in spite of the fact that we are all vaxxed because vaccines make you “resistant” not “immune.” Once covid is over, it is still going to be a couple of years before the pressure on the health care system returns to normal. Canada and Canadians are IMO putting their heads in the sand. I don’t think Canada or Canadians will really accept that they have absolutely screwed their own health care system until they walk into a hospital and realize there is no one there to treat them.

      Things are very bad in health care, and statements such as these make things worse. Please make an honest, good faith effort to engage with facts. I know we are all sick of covid, but pretending to believe falsehoods will perpetuate the problem. If you know anyone who is waiting for a knee replacement, or cancer treatment, or any kind of health care, you can help reduce their wait time by refraining from spreading misinformation. I believe you can do better than this.

      1. Well said, “Can’t sign my name..”. I am sorry that you and your community are going through such tribulations, caused mainly by know-nothing, ignorant, intellectually lazy, easily manipulated nutbars.

        As for Ronmac, he is a well-known troll on these pages. Best not to engage with him. But, leave it to him to try to spoil a bit of fun.

        DJC, another great one. Thanks!

  3. Great post DJ! So much material to draw from. I’m waiting for the UCP to announce a fleet of nuclear powered buses powered by small modular nuclear reactors as per the 1976 Hollywood movie The Big Bus. In Alberta, life may well be imitating (absurdist) art, at least among the UCP and the 38% of Albertans indicating their support.
    https://youtu.be/JwV7zu7XbK8

  4. Thanks for the heads-up. Will there be exemptions for Halloween masks? Masked balls? Ski masks for winter (and for all-season robberies)? Cops and demonstrators at riots?

    Have you sent out alerts on social(ist) media? An instructional YouTube?

    Inquiring minds…..

  5. Reality is stranger than fiction.
    Anything one can dream up for April Fool’s Day sounds more credible than actual headlines. You don’t have to make stuff up.

    ● Liberals build pipelines to fight climate change.
    ● Lunatics invade Ottawa to protest against lunatics in Ottawa.
    ● Anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers insist on their right and freedom to infect their neighbours.
    ● UN Panel on corporate greenwashing to be chaired by Catherine McKenna, champion greenwasher of LNG projects and pipelines under Trudeau.
    ● Notley dismisses Trudeau’s climate plan as “fantasy” — after drafting her own climate plan that “capped” oilsands emissions at 43% above 2015 levels with enough exemptions to drive a heavy hauler through.
    ● Anything the Alberta “War Room” says or does.
    ● Russia demolishes Ukraine for no discernible reason.
    ● Will Smith assaults a comedian at the Oscars. Then picks up his Oscar, thank you very much.
    ● AB Premier Kenney posts an image of the assault to take a swing at “green left” energy.
    ● Ottawa shovels billions of public dollars into the pockets of largely foreign-owned multi-billion-dollar oil companies reporting record multi-billion-dollar profits.
    ● Box of grapes $12.
    ● Anything Trump says or does.
    ● UCP braintrust signs people up to the party without their knowledge or consent. What next? Will Kenney and his minions cast our ballots, too?
    ● THAT WOMAN WHO IS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING — the radio host least fit to be premier —throws her hat into a possible UCP leadership race. Against the Alberta premier least fit to be premier.

    Admittedly, it would be even odder if Rachel Notley crossed the floor and challenged Kenney for the UCP leadership. Try that one next year.

    1. Very well said Geoffrey especially on Rachel Notley’s claim that Trudeau’s climate plan is ‘fantasy’.
      With this she will not win the 2023 election – mark my words.
      She, like Jason Kenney, is pandering to the anti-climate change voters. Sad and low.
      Does Rachel Notley really also doubts climate change? Surely looks like it.
      She is loosing at least one vote.

  6. You got me! Kind of a sad indication of where the UCP is that this would seem plausible for even a heartbeat. “Accepting payment in bitcoin” and “masks still being required for political parties” both made it seem more realistic. I’m trying to think of headlines that would be obviously farcical, and it’s harder than I thought. “Jason Kenney Sees His Own Shadow, Resigns Himself to 6 More Weeks of Leadership Review.” “Tyler Shandro Locates His Own Posterior With Both Hands.”

  7. Actually, wasn’t Conservative MP Blake Richard’s anti-face-covering bill passed in the Federal Parliament during the Harper regime.? We are a nation of fools every day. I enjoyed your prank, but top April Fool’s joke must go to Alberta’s media for announcing Danielle Smith is considering a run for the UCP leadership. It was a joke, wasn’t it . . . .?

  8. When I read the headline, I was outraged, but as I started to read the article I realized what day it was. So kudos for a good headline, its too bad that the Kenney and the UCP might do such a thing is credible. Strangely, masks seem to be quite a trigger for some right wing snowflakes.

    I do agree with one thing in the article, toward the end you mentioned making a positive contribution to society. UCP members can do just that by voting to get rid of Kenney before May 12. I am not sure their alternatives are that much better, but it would be very difficult to be worse. Sadly, sometimes going from terrible to just bad is progress.

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