Former basketball star Dennis Rodman on an earlier self-appointed diplomatic mission (Photo: Screenshot of CNN).

Basketball legend and self-appointed diplomat Dennis Rodman is reportedly heading to Alberta in an attempt to quell tensions between the increasingly isolated “Wild Rose Country” and the international community.

Sources say the 59-year-old Mr. Rodman – former star of the Detroit Pistons, San Antonio Spurs, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers and Dallas Mavericks of the National Basketball League – hopes to meet with the province’s secretive authoritarian leader, Jason Kenney.

Alberta’s secretive, authoritarian leader, Jason Kenney (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

Reports from within the Hermit Kingdom of Alberta paint a troubling picture of a propaganda-driven leadership cult that is focused more on portraying a macho image than dealing with the very real problems faced by the province’s people.

Among other bizarre claims, children in the province are taught that the Dear Leader’s grandfather was one of the most important musicians in world history, and that the government will protect them from Bigfoot.

Mr. Rodman has indicated he plans to speak candidly with Premier Kenney about normalizing relations with the rest of Confederation, and that he may offer to train the Alberta basketball team. “My mission is to break the ice between hostile governments,” he said.

When asked about the Kenney regime’s recent moves to limit freedom of assembly, Mr. Rodman added, “I hate the fact that he’s doing that, but the fact is that, you know what, that’s a human being, though. He’s going to let his guard down one day to me, a friend.”

“Why it’s been left to me to smooth things over, I just don’t understand, but something has to be done,” he said. “I’m just trying to open everyone’s minds to reach out to Jason Kenney.”

Alberta has grown increasingly hostile and isolated under Mr. Kenney’s rule, which reports reaching the outside world say feels like it started in 1948, as world markets have turned against the region’s only export, a kind of tarry sand known as bitumen.

Reached for comment, the head of Alberta’s official state propaganda agency (sometimes dubbed the “War Room”) would not confirm that Premier Kenney would have time to meet with the retired NBA star.

Today, of course, is April 1. Alas, Mr. Rodman is almost certainly not coming to Alberta, and he didn’t say any of this stuff – at least not about Jason Kenney. I am afraid we are all on our own with our premier. DJC

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  1. An April Fool’s joke to be sure but the blogger may be on to something. Dennis Rodman had a two month fling with superstar Madonna and to this day they remain friends. The pair should be invited to Alberta and Madonna, accompanied by her troupe of boy dancers, might be persuaded to belt out an updated version of “When I Get Back to Calgary”, now an important component of the school curriculum, the entire exercise designed to enhance the appreciation of music not only for Jason but for all Albertans.

  2. Good one, David….and really with the craziness of AB politics it may not stray that far from fiction!!!! With our lying premier anything is possible!

  3. Yes, the facts are different in Alberta. Our children are not susceptible to Covid and the new Covid variants will behave themselves here, so no lock downs necessary until after they are necessary.

    Even our host has been tricked into inserting an “earworm” into his post yesterday to “subliminally seduce” us into liking Calgary and its collection of grifters and carpetbaggers. Some might even say Albertans are “special.”

    How special are right-wing Alberta politicians and the feeble who vote for them? Our host had to add an explanation to this traditional All Fools Day column – nuff said.

  4. Hey! There is a story going around that Volkswagen is changing its name to VolTswagen. Is the War Room on this? Dark forces that never sleep are lapping at the shores of UCP Alberta. We need an old priest and a young priest and all we have is a failed priest.

  5. For a moment as I started reading, I was wondering why is Dennis Rodman suddenly so interested in Alberta and then I remembered what date it was.

    I should have known something like this was coming when there was a reference made to Mount Paektu a few days ago. Perhaps it will eventually turn up in the new curriculum that Mr. Kenney’s grandfather also made a mystical visit to Mount Norquay on his way back to Calgary, but maybe I shouldn’t give them any such ideas.

    As for bringing in Mr. Rodman to try deal with another unstable megalomaniac – well I suppose it is worth a shot. Not much else has worked so far.

  6. Ha! Almost got me!

    But when I read about “normalizing relations with the rest of Confederation,” I realized Mr Rodman would never, ever, ever mistake the rest of the Canadian federation with the act of becoming a federate—that is, of confederation, the verb.

    It must be April Fools’ Day!

    As the star hoop-shooter surely knows, saying Canada is a ‘confederation’ is redundant, unnecessarily redundant: all federates—called ‘provinces,’ in Canada—are already confederated, each one, to the Canadian federation by the process correctly known as ‘confederation.’ Likewise, each federate cannot be said to have confederated with a confederation.

    Finally, there cannot be a word ‘confederal’ that doesn’t potentially confuse with a confederacy, although Dear Leader Kenney might quibble about that. And the Bloc and Partie Québécois.

    At risk of unnecessary repetition, a federate cannot confederate with a confederation, but only with a federation—by the process of confederation (provincially called “Terms of Union”)—making it a federate, not a confederate—that would be incorrectly confusing and wrongly misleading, as well as redundant, unnecessarily so, it’s worth reminding.

  7. April Fool’s Day, 2019, multiple choice question:

    Which of the following headlines is an actual April Fool’s joke:

    a. Alberta Health Minister goes to a doctor’s home and starts a fight
    b. Jason Kenney’s grandfather’s musical career highlighted in the new Alberta curriculum
    c. Dennis Rodman to visit Alberta to quell tensions between Alberta and the rest of the world.
    d. Alberta’s Agriculture Minister encourages meat plant workers to go to work, even though he knows it will make them sick.

    Two years ago I think I would have chosen (b).

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