Mr. Speaker, honourable members of the Legislative Assembly, fellow Albertans …
I speak to you as Alberta’s vice-regal — which has nothing to do with vice, by the way, not that kind, anyway — representative of Our Sovereign Lady the Queen, whom many of you last heard from when you were the Accused at Bar. Ahem …
[Can you cut some of the Parliamentary folderol, please? — Ed.]
Alberta is a land rich in opportunities for right-wing virtue signalling, and there will be a lot of it in today’s Speech from the Throne.
My speech was written by the Premier’s political staff and I am required to read it and pretend it’s mine as part of my vice-regal duties. Other than that, though, this isn’t a bad gig! I’ve got a limo, security and this cool getup I’m wearing, although they don’t let me use the house in Glenora any more, ever since old Aberhart cut the power off, which is a pity.
Anyway, today, I thought I would pause for a moment with a friendly chuckle (chuckles) as Lois Hole, who had this job before me, used to do, and actually speak for myself from time to time.
Getting Alberta back to work is my government’s central priority. (This may sound odd, since 70,000 jobs have disappeared since my government took over, but you can count on it, my government will blame someone else. Probably Trudeau. Maybe more than one Trudeau.)
That’s why my government will introduce a comprehensive Blueprint for Jobs. (Uh-oh, they must be planning to lay off a shitload of teachers, health care workers and civil servants!)
With the Job Creating Tax Cut, we already have the lowest tax rate on job creators in Canada, and are on track to one of the lowest on the continent. (I couldn’t make this stuff up! And boy are they ever creating jobs! In Colorado! In Alberta? Not so much.)
My government will also be cutting unnecessary red tape by at least a third! (So you’d better invest in some life insurance — and my government loves private insurance, by the way — in case you get killed on at work, which will be considerably more likely now, what with all the red-tape reduction. Don’t look at your government to look after your kids! Too socialist!)
So my government will be making it easier, faster and less expensive for businesses … (to move to Denver!)
My government will continue to advance the diversification of our economy, making new products from bitumen, developing new uses for bitumen, and finding new ways to market bitumen, plus looking for new routes to ship bitumen through British Columbia and Quebec. (Which really gets us the noses of those radical urban green communists out there. My government just loves that!)
Growing efforts to land lock Alberta energy production will not succeed! (Why? … [chuckles again] … because my government just made this part up! And you believed it!)
We will not surrender global energy markets to dictatorships that spread conflict and extremism around the world. (My government will be doing that themselves, thank you very much, right here in Canada, creating more Canadian jobs in the Internet field. Yo, Matt!)
My government is also prepared to invest directly and support companies, when necessary, to assure the future of responsible resource development. (And no one can say my government is picking winners when it picks its friends in the oil industry for a bit of your pension money, which you get too much of anyway, you greedy civil servant. It’s … ummm … correcting a market failure!)
My government’s second key priority is getting our fiscal house in order (which is a mess, thanks to the $4.7 billion my government just gave to corporations to help them buy back their stock, give the bosses bonuses and move to the States. Funny the way that worked out, just like old Krugman predicted.)
My government will work with the public service to contain costs and protect front line services by carefully reducing overall spending by less than three per cent. (You know, like my government worked with the doctors. If you’re a nurse or a teacher, brace yourselves to work with them too!)
Our overarching goal is to make life better for Albertans. (Some of ’em, anyway!)
At the heart of the Alberta Advantage (the Northern MAGA, if you don’t mind me saying) is our strong, pluralistic public education system. (So my government is going to fully fund a bunch of ritzy private schools you can’t afford to send your kids to and religious schools run by nutballs who will they teach your kids the world is flat and round … like a plate! … and no one needs to worry about measles vaccinations! Which is a money saver, since my government would probably like to de-list them. The measles shots, that is, not the private schools.)
My government will also depoliticize the education curriculum (like, by not allowing teachers to mention that the world is a globe, and possibly a warming one … too political!)
We’ll be improving democracy with recall legislation that will allow (NDP) MLAs to be recalled. (My government will figure out later how not to allow this to apply to Kaycee Madu, the Honourable only elected Conservative inside the City of Edmonton).
And my government will introduce an Act to protect critical infrastructure (criminalize public dissent and free expression, more like) and ensure that police do not have to wait for a warrant to bust heads. (This is where the real virtue signaling comes in, since this stuff’s already illegal, most of it’s in the federal jurisdiction, and you can’t just make the requirement for due process go away. Actually, I reckon this one’s going to be so unconstitutional I may not be able to sign it! But if I don’t, old Kenney-boy will have tantrum and say national unity is gravely threatened and wind up the base in militia country. So I’m going to have to think about this.)
In other words, it is an ambitious, practical program. (If you have a low opinion of the rule of law.)
Members of the Legislative Assembly, thank you for your efforts on behalf of your constituents. [Hack! Kaff! Sniffle!] And may the Blessings of Almighty God rest upon your counsels as you work to keep Alberta strong and free …
Glory to the heroes! Glory to Alberta! Glory to … (Whoops, that’s from the speech for the delegation from Ukraine.)
I mean, God bless Alberta, God bless the Albertans, and God bless God!
Sergeant at Arms! Get the fellow in the blue uniform to fetch my limo up to the back door. I’ve got an appointment with my banker in 15 minutes about getting my savings out of Alberta!
[Shouting. Sounds of bugles. Recording becomes inaudible.]
NOTE: This of course is not an accurate transcription of yesterday’s Alberta Throne Speech. Nor is Lieutenant Governor Dave an actual lieutenant governor or ever likely to be one, although, unlike most members of the Alberta media, he does know how to pronounce “lieutenant” and you have to admit he looks a hell of a lot like the late King. If you would like to compare and contrast this imaginary speech with the actual Throne Speech, which was read by Lois Mitchell, who is not to be confused with Lois Hole, click here. On the other hand, you can save yourself the effort and just take Lieutenant Governor Dave’s word for it. DJC