Alberta Politics
Lieutenant Governor Dave with either his official portrait or an actual regal personage (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

Between Our Sovereign Lady the Queen and the Accused at Bar: Lieutenant Governor Dave reads the Speech from the Throne

Posted on February 26, 2020, 2:05 am
11 mins

Mr. Speaker, honourable members of the Legislative Assembly, fellow Albertans …

[Turns page.]

I speak to you as Alberta’s vice-regal — which has nothing to do with vice, by the way, not that kind, anyway — representative of Our Sovereign Lady the Queen, whom many of you last heard from when you were the Accused at Bar. Ahem …

[Can you cut some of the Parliamentary folderol, please? — Ed.]

The late Lois Hole, lieutenant governor of Alberta back in the day, who used to slip her own opinion into a Throne Speech now and then (Photo: Creator not clear, found on the St. Albert Public Library site).

Alberta is a land rich in opportunities for right-wing virtue signalling, and there will be a lot of it in today’s Speech from the Throne.

My speech was written by the Premier’s political staff and I am required to read it and pretend it’s mine as part of my vice-regal duties. Other than that, though, this isn’t a bad gig! I’ve got a limo, security and this cool getup I’m wearing, although they don’t let me use the house in Glenora any more, ever since old Aberhart cut the power off, which is a pity.

Anyway, today, I thought I would pause for a moment with a friendly chuckle (chuckles) as Lois Hole, who had this job before me, used to do, and actually speak for myself from time to time.

[Turns page.]

Getting Alberta back to work is my government’s central priority. (This may sound odd, since 70,000 jobs have disappeared since my government took over, but you can count on it, my government will blame someone else. Probably Trudeau. Maybe more than one Trudeau.)

That’s why my government will introduce a comprehensive Blueprint for Jobs. (Uh-oh, they must be planning to lay off a shitload of teachers, health care workers and civil servants!)

With the Job Creating Tax Cut, we already have the lowest tax rate on job creators in Canada, and are on track to one of the lowest on the continent. (I couldn’t make this stuff up! And boy are they ever creating jobs! In Colorado! In Alberta? Not so much.)

My government will also be cutting unnecessary red tape by at least a third! (So you’d better invest in some life insurance — and my government loves private insurance, by the way — in case you get killed on at work, which will be considerably more likely now, what with all the red-tape reduction. Don’t look at your government to look after your kids! Too socialist!)

So my government will be making it easier, faster and less expensive for businesses … (to move to Denver!)

My government will continue to advance the diversification of our economy, making new products from bitumen, developing new uses for bitumen, and finding new ways to market bitumen, plus looking for new routes to ship bitumen through British Columbia and Quebec. (Which really gets us the noses of those radical urban green communists out there. My government just loves that!)

Lois Hole is not to be confused with Lois Mitchell, who read yesterday’s actual Throne Speech (Photo: Government of Alberta).

Growing efforts to land lock Alberta energy production will not succeed! (Why? … [chuckles again] … because my government just made this part up! And you believed it!)

[Turns page.]

We will not surrender global energy markets to dictatorships that spread conflict and extremism around the world. (My government will be doing that themselves, thank you very much, right here in Canada, creating more Canadian jobs in the Internet field. Yo, Matt!)

My government is also prepared to invest directly and support companies, when necessary, to assure the future of responsible resource development. (And no one can say my government is picking winners when it picks its friends in the oil industry for a bit of your pension money, which you get too much of anyway, you greedy civil servant. It’s … ummm … correcting a market failure!)

My government’s second key priority is getting our fiscal house in order (which is a mess, thanks to the $4.7 billion my government just gave to corporations to help them buy back their stock, give the bosses bonuses and move to the States. Funny the way that worked out, just like old Krugman predicted.)

My government will work with the public service to contain costs and protect front line services by carefully reducing overall spending by less than three per cent. (You know, like my government worked with the doctors. If you’re a nurse or a teacher, brace yourselves to work with them too!)

[Turns page.]

Our overarching goal is to make life better for Albertans. (Some of ’em, anyway!)

At the heart of the Alberta Advantage (the Northern MAGA, if you don’t mind me saying) is our strong, pluralistic public education system. (So my government is going to fully fund a bunch of ritzy private schools you can’t afford to send your kids to and religious schools run by nutballs who will they teach your kids the world is flat and round … like a plate! … and no one needs to worry about measles vaccinations! Which is a money saver, since my government would probably like to de-list them. The measles shots, that is, not the private schools.)

Kaycee Madu, the sole UCP member elected within the municipal boundaries of Edmonton (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

My government will also depoliticize the education curriculum (like, by not allowing teachers to mention that the world is a globe, and possibly a warming one … too political!)

We’ll be improving democracy with recall legislation that will allow (NDP) MLAs to be recalled. (My government will figure out later how not to allow this to apply to Kaycee Madu, the Honourable only elected Conservative inside the City of Edmonton).

[Turns page.]

And my government will introduce an Act to protect critical infrastructure (criminalize public dissent and free expression, more like) and ensure that police do not have to wait for a warrant to bust heads. (This is where the real virtue signaling comes in, since this stuff’s already illegal, most of it’s in the federal jurisdiction, and you can’t just make the requirement for due process go away. Actually, I reckon this one’s going to be so unconstitutional I may not be able to sign it! But if I don’t, old Kenney-boy will have tantrum and say national unity is gravely threatened and wind up the base in militia country. So I’m going to have to think about this.)

In other words, it is an ambitious, practical program. (If you have a low opinion of the rule of law.)

[Turns page.]

Members of the Legislative Assembly, thank you for your efforts on behalf of your constituents. [Hack! Kaff! Sniffle!] And may the Blessings of Almighty God rest upon your counsels as you work to keep Alberta strong and free …

Glory to the heroes! Glory to Alberta! Glory to … (Whoops, that’s from the speech for the delegation from Ukraine.)

I mean, God bless Alberta, God bless the Albertans, and God bless God!

Sergeant at Arms! Get the fellow in the blue uniform to fetch my limo up to the back door. I’ve got an appointment with my banker in 15 minutes about getting my savings out of Alberta!

[Shouting. Sounds of bugles. Recording becomes inaudible.]

NOTE: This of course is not an accurate transcription of yesterday’s Alberta Throne Speech. Nor is Lieutenant Governor Dave an actual lieutenant governor or ever likely to be one, although, unlike most members of the Alberta media, he does know how to pronounce “lieutenant” and you have to admit he looks a hell of a lot like the late King. If you would like to compare and contrast this imaginary speech with the actual Throne Speech, which was read by Lois Mitchell, who is not to be confused with Lois Hole, click here. On the other hand, you can save yourself the effort and just take Lieutenant Governor Dave’s word for it. DJC

12 Comments to: Between Our Sovereign Lady the Queen and the Accused at Bar: Lieutenant Governor Dave reads the Speech from the Throne

  1. Dave

    February 26th, 2020

    It’s a hazard of the position, but the best Lieutenant Governors do not always take themselves or others too seriously, like Lois Hole. I don’t think she would have got along too well with our current Premier who often tends to be too much of a pompous windbag.

    I sense a bit of panic in the UCP throne speech. They seem to be rushing off madly in several directions here and frantically reshuffling the populist deck chairs. Referendums for municipal councillors, investing in energy and infrastucture projects, more laws against protesting? Really?

    Quite a potpouri of discordant things here, I suspect mostly to distract us from the fact the economy is getting worse not better, the longer the UCP is in power.

    Reply
  2. tom in ontario

    February 26th, 2020

    And for fine speechifying, Looey Guv’nor Dave, you get 50 bucks.

    Reply
  3. J.E. Molnar

    February 26th, 2020

    A splendiferous effort at political sarcasm and parody, which eerily was not far from the actual truth — could not stop chuckling. Well done!!

    Jason Kenney and the UCP have managed to piss-off just about every constituency in Alberta (i.e. doctors, nurses, teachers, public sector workers, municipalities, unions, low-wage workers, seniors etc.) — let’s hope it leads to a wake-up call in the next provincial election for all those constituencies that have been marginalized.

    Reply
  4. Simon Renouf

    February 26th, 2020

    I love the photo but did you crop out the unicorn? Re Bill 1 (“Critical Infrastructure Defence Act”). It’s almost certainly unconstitutional. I for one, among many defence lawyers, look forward to attacking this Bill in court. The government’s advisors have presumably told them this legislative attempt to invade federal jurisdiction and quash dissent is unconstitutional, therefore illegal, yet the government moves ahead. What happened to the “rule of law”?

    Reply
    • Simon Renouf

      February 26th, 2020

      By the way, Bill 1 includes under the rubris of “essential infrastructure” “a highway as defined in the Traffic Safety Act”. The TSA definition of highway includes any “thoroughfare, street, road, trail, avenue, parkway, driveway, viaduct, lane, alley, square, . . . or other place or any part of any of them, whether publicly or privately owned, that the public is ordinarily entitled or permitted to use for the passage or parking of vehicles” and even includes sidewalks. I’m sorry, but streets, squares and sidewalks? Is this a police state?

      Reply
      • Abs

        February 26th, 2020

        Thanks for that. Friday’s planned mass protests should give the UCP government food for thought. If they want to pass a bill to rid the province of protestors, they’re going to have to calculate the size of Friday’s crowds on sidewalks at various locations across the province, then order up a bunch of Bombardier’s green-leftie electric buses to use as paddy wagons, have them shipped by rail to Alberta, and by then it should be 2023. And who’s going to do the skull-cracking? Kenney’s UCPPolice?

        Breathtaking! Stunning!

        Reply
  5. Abs

    February 26th, 2020

    I had to think long and hard about who is actually the LG right now, so without your admission at the end, I almost fell for it, LG Dave, I mean Dave. Not like the days when my toddler got all excited about seeing LG Lois Hole on TV (“It’s Mrs. Hole!”), because she had given him a yellow pansy for free at her garden centre. Yes, she really did that; it was not a myth. She was everybody’s mother and grandma, and I sure do wish she could give us her two cents’ worth about the sorry state of Alberta now. I’m sure it would have been pithy.

    Today is my grown-up toddler’s birthday, I miss Mrs. Hole and Alberta is going to h*ll in a handcart. The stock market is reeling with virus fear, and what will tomorrow bring? It’s Alberta’s annus horribilus. I do change the spelling of that to describe the person most responsible, but only in private. There’s only one good thing today, and my advice to that one good thing (isn’t that what we all are now, post-human?) is to leave Alberta soon after convocation. There is no future here. The future is somewhere else. Go west, young man. Don’t let grass grow under your feet in Alberta. It’s over.

    Reply
  6. Just Me

    February 26th, 2020

    I look at that monarch’s portrait and I’m confused.

    Is it George V?

    Kaiser Wilhelm II?

    Or, Czar Nicholas II?

    And they I realize that all three were born of Queen Victoria’s enormous inbred brood she had with her cousin, Prince Alberta.

    And that pretty much explains all the bad decisions since 1900.

    Reply
    • David Climenhaga

      February 26th, 2020

      George. DJC.

      Reply
    • Irene

      February 26th, 2020

      Charles Darwin also married his first cousin. It was a very Victorian thing to do, apparently.

      Reply
  7. Rod Adachi

    February 26th, 2020

    I think your speech from the throne perfectly reflects the sentiments of the pompous priktator who purloined the premiership.

    Rod

    Reply

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