Alberta Politics
Alberta Premier Jason Kenney (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

Hey Canada! Alberta here: Get off our lawn! And would you mow it, please?

Posted on November 28, 2019, 12:49 am
6 mins

Watch out, Rest of Canada!

Jason Kenney, our leader here in Alberta, has mastered the art of sucking and blowing at the same time!

Petroleum Services Association of Canada CEO Gary Mar (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

You’re in for it now!

This is the New Alberta, and you’re going to need to get the hell out of our way! We’ll be taking over our share of the Canada Pension Plan, and we’ll be investing it in fossil fuel infrastructure or whatever we like, thank you very much!

And you’ll be reforming Confederation to get rid of that annoying equalization plan so we can keep all our money, or we’ll be having a national unity crisis, have you got that?

And don’t blame Mr. Kenney. He’s Canada’s biggest patriot, a really huge patriot, very patriotic. But those darned Wexiters will be up to something if Mr. Kenney doesn’t get his way. So get cracking!

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

Plus, we’ll be firing the RCMP and having the Royal Alberta Mounted Police (RAMP) take over for them, so the Mounties might as well drop their investigation into fraud and vote buying in the United Conservative Party’s leadership campaign because the minute we’re an independent republic we’ll be taking that stuff right out of the Criminal Code anyway, just like we’re doing right now with the charges under the old Alberta election financing laws.

And by the way, if we do charge anyone, you won’t be hearing about it either, because it’s none of your darned business.

Plus you’re going to need to fork over the dough to us to clean up all those dirty abandoned oil wells plus all the ones that haven’t been abandoned yet but will be soon because we don’t try very hard to make the companies that drill them clean up their messes like they do in North Dakota.

Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

Anyway, like our finance minister Travis Toews just told your finance minister Bill Morneau, we need the money to create all the jobs that went missing when oil prices took a dive, plus the ones we’re getting rid of in the civil service, schools and hospitals. Also, we want federal tax breaks for oil companies, because we’re plumb out of tax breaks we can give them and ours aren’t working.

Just like Gary Mar — who should’ve been premier instead of Alison Redford and is now the CEO of the Petroleum Services Association of Canada, which is almost as good if you ask us — keeps saying over and over, all Canada benefitted from the money those oil companies made, so now all Canada is going to have to pay to clean up their messes!

Oh, and while you’re figuring out how to pay for the cleanup, our favourite economist Jack Mintz says you’re going to have to cut your taxes. So start thinking about that, too!

Alberta Finance Minister Travis Toews (Photo: David J. Climenhaga).

In other words, we’re not just going to build a firewall, we’re going to build two firewalls, with lots of pipelines running through them, and you’re going to pay for them!*

And that’s just today’s demands. We’ve got a whole Fair Deal Panel, with Preston Manning on it and everything, looking into things you’re going to have to do to fix our economy. So brace yourselves, Justin Trudeau and Chrystia Freeland, because we’re going to have more as soon as we’re back from dodging those furious teachers on our Christmas break!

And if you don’t like it, you shouldn’t have gone and won that election last month that our guy Andy Scheer was supposed to win. If you hadn’t messed up like that, Mr. Kenney would be running Canada now from Calgary just like he was supposed to be.

Now get the hell off our lawn, Ottawa! And please cut our grass!**

Seriously, people, you couldn’t make this stuff up!

(EDITOR’S NOTE: You’ve used the full quota of exclamation marks available for this month. And take it easy with the italics too. — Ed.)

*Thanks to @RealDonaldTrump for this line. **Thanks to @TomPark1n for this one.

26 Comments to: Hey Canada! Alberta here: Get off our lawn! And would you mow it, please?

  1. Dave

    November 28th, 2019

    I suspect the Federal Liberals would not be oppossed to spending some money to help clean up abandoned wells. It fits two of their goals, environmental action and job creation.

    It might actually be something Trudeau and Kenney can agree on, or perhaps I should say Freeland and Kenney, as Trudeau is not really talking to our Premier much any more. I suspect Kenney’s candid moment a while back when he said what he really thought of our Prime Minister was not helpful. Fortunately, Ms. Freeland has had a huge crash course in diplomacy over the last few years and is unlikely to ever say what she really thinks of other politicians and will stick to diplomatic niceties.

    However, most of the other things that Kenney demands will probably be met by less enthusiasm by Ottawa. If the Premier is good and manages to behave himself for a little well and avoid comments about the intellectual depth of a finger bowl, he will probably at least get a nice well clean up fund from the Feds.

    Reply
    • Lars

      November 28th, 2019

      Agreed about Freeland. If she could navigate the slough of Trumpian “diplomacy” without blowing a head-gasket, it’s unlikely that Tubbles will give her much pause.

      Reply
      • Jim

        November 29th, 2019

        Maybe she can attempt a coup? Having experience in that field in her attempts in Venezuela. At least she likely can correctly spell the word. Ultimately those that fund her have similar goals to those that fund Kenney, the rest is just a show for the uninformed masses.

        Reply
  2. Just Me

    November 28th, 2019

    Well, when you invoke the name of Preston Manning, everyone is going to sit up and listen because he’ll say, “Reeeeeefooooormmmm!” any minute.

    Watching Kenney bounce from conciliatory to Rottweiler is just another indication of the bi-polar weird that has taken over Alberta. One wonders if he decided to give up on being PM in favor of starting his own country? I mean when the BQ leader (Merci, Yves-François Blanchet.) told Kenney in no uncertain terms to get stuffed, we reached that point where even Quebec MPs are giving no respect the Alberta premier. (Watching PMJT’s quiet smug reaction to all this fulls me with unending joy.)

    While Scheer is counting the knives that are landing into his back daily, Kenney is clearly conflicted. Should he jump into federal politics again and declare himself “Capt. Canada”? Or should he declare himself Emperor Kenney I of the Great Duchy of Albertastan?

    How will this look? Does Kenney even care anymore?

    Reply
    • Bob Raynard

      November 29th, 2019

      “Or should he declare himself Emperor Kenney I ”

      Jason Kenney may like the idea of the Empire of Alberta, and he is the emperor. Or perhaps he thinks of the Kingdom of Alberta, and he is the king.

      Really, though, the Republic of Alberta will just be a country, and …

      Reply
  3. Farmer Dave

    November 28th, 2019

    The old Social Credit Party (extreme religious right) will do anything it can to get power like take over the Liberal Party in B.C. in order to win, take over the Progressive Conservative Party in Canada in order to win and take over the Progressive Conservative Party in Alberta in order to win. This Social Credit Party should be seen for what it is, and that is an extreme religious right group trying to control society. These extreme religious right groups truly think their personal God will forgive all their sins. Time for a new government in Alberta and a reorganization of the conservative party maybe back to the PC’s for Canada’s good.

    Reply
  4. Abs

    November 28th, 2019

    Well, when you put it that way…

    Reply
  5. Liz

    November 28th, 2019

    Gary Mar was on CBC radio for an hour yesterday and sounded just as smooth and sleazy as any of the CONS, who know how to work the media, just like our premier. Needless to say the host barely mentioned the fact that Mar was a BIG beneficiary of the PC largesse during their 44 year term, first as a minister and then as an envoy of sorts in Hong Kong.

    Do they think that we all have lost our memories?? I recall people like Ralph Klein, Iris Evans and Shirley McClellan (to name but a few) walking off with severances of close to, or above, $1M. Their entitlement knew no bounds.

    Mar is now shilling for O & G and apparently sees no problem in continuing to work and promote a declining industry.

    Reply
    • Public Servant

      November 28th, 2019

      Remember when Mar gave $400,000 to a crony for “verbal consulation”?

      Reply
  6. Political Ranger

    November 28th, 2019

    This is the problem with fantasy as a basis of governing or decision-making. Or anything else grown-ups do. There are just no limits. You can just keep making stuff up.
    Forever!

    Unfortunately, these goofs are in power and will cause a great deal of damage.
    I don’t know, exactly, what this is when they can roll back years and decades of hard-fought social, labour and environmental decisions but it sure as hell ain’t democracy. Some are saying that the success of the democratic experiment requires a democratic response to these charlatans and carpetbaggers.
    I’m not so sure anymore.

    Reply
    • pogo

      November 28th, 2019

      Fantasy. That’s a human advantage! Along with all the burdens of survival, it’s in essence, the seed of most of the good things we laud. Why, I myself have fantasized about all sorts of outcomes. The problem seems to be that; we’re confronted with people who can fantasize and then attach to their fantasies outcomes that are made impossible by the outcomes of their fantasies. I’ll leave you a song. The same way I did when left my family! https://youtu.be/bZfo_Cp_n6I?t=32

      Reply
    • anon

      November 29th, 2019

      Thanks ABS: This is a brilliant application of cronyism. Fire staff and hire your friends on contract. Pay more, get less done and make new friends. Added bonus of not following up on files that might cause your friends legal troubles. But hey, the Prosperity Gospel means that if you get away with it, that is a sign of God’s grace.

      Reply
  7. Scotty on Denman

    November 28th, 2019

    Julius Caesar the general who stormed about Gaul when securing a dictatorship back home in Italy wasn’t yet likely prefaced his greatest showpiece victory against confederated indigenous nations at Alesia by building not one wall—or “circumvallation” as it completely surrounded the Gaulish hill fort —but by building TWO walls.

    The inner wall was to defend against sallies from inside the besieged hill fort, the outer wall to defend against the arrival of Gaulish reinforcement. The matter was decided by starvation: the Gaulish confederation’s leader Vercingatorix surrendered, asking only that some of his people—women and children especially—be spared so they could propitiate the Celtic gods (his request was refused, his women and children were sold into slavery, and he was taken in chains to Rome upon the celebrated Julian return where, after being paraded as a trophy, he was summarily executed).

    The Roman general was vastly outnumbered at Alesia but prevailed because relieving Gaulish forces weren’t so inclined to risk defeat by attacking in their usual, uncoordinated frenzy, besieged Gaulish forces were starving and despondent, and Roman troops were fanatically loyal to their leader.

    By the time the Caesar had conquered Gaul, written a bestseller about it, marched victoriously against his own capitol, mopped up his political rivals and secured the dictatorship of the Roman Republic—in fact, its very last days before reverting to imperial monarchy—he must have thought he couldn’t lose. When he pressed for lifetime dictatorship instead of the limited term originally agreed upon, his peers decided he’d gone too far and, for all Julius’ careful, patient calculations, normally exceedingly cautious —like the double circumvallation at Alesia—everyone’s caution was thrown to the wind.

    Two, eh, Brutus!

    Reply
  8. pogo

    November 28th, 2019

    As a spurned off-spring of that most luscious (in mid August I’d contend) land of Alberta? I am not without an opinion! In fact, I have several! 1. Albertans have elected the worst government that this “pogo” has ever seen. People who should not be near even a condo board, now swirl away at the highest levels commanding their personal fetishes on the tax-payer’s dime 2. Given the pathetic nature of our media there are few legitimate polling operations or perish the thought, analysts to constrain them. 3. When your lowest carbon alternative is sequestering and abandoning wells wouldn’t that be the buy low signal to national/provincial/ize natural gas production? At least then if you could tout gas as the Alberta advantage! I mean “Give Us Gas!” has a ring to it! Don’t you think? Set up three feet high on the back bumper of a blue Dodge? Come on!

    Reply
  9. Michelle

    November 28th, 2019

    I am loving watching them eat themselves Dave. It’s the only possible outcome as they have no power to enact their revenge so they have to circle themselves and soon each other. I know it’s harsh, but as a woman I was horrified about how comfortable the anti-autonomy (if they want to be honest) crowd was and still is in the public square. I feel like this is my reward, lol.

    Reply
  10. pogo

    November 28th, 2019

    Ah now for Jason Kenney! He was the smallest and most self interested of any politician in that last era. Such a little thing, doing so much damage. That was our way then. We did survive in caves and when we emerged he and they were gone. Along with dogma and the cart it dragged in! https://youtu.be/e1tSc0UNoVk

    Reply
    • Abs

      November 29th, 2019

      Compromising position? Do you think there are any of those? If anything could crush a malignant narcissist, it’s a big secret, hung out to dry in the light of day for all to see. It’s very hard to keep secrets secret forever.

      Reply
  11. Jim

    November 28th, 2019

    And he will huff and he will puff and he will … sulk in his Mom’s basement? It’s like that kid who pees in the pool we have all had a long winter and were enjoying some summer sun then the kid from down the street does this and ruins the whole day. Nobody really likes him but somehow he convinces everyone to invite him knowing full well he is just going to ruin the day.

    I think Kenney has given up on his dreams of becoming Prime Minister, he would pretty much guarantee the Liberals a majority next go around. Surely the rest of Canada, if not Albertans, are appalled at the result of giving this guy actual power. Unfortunately this means we may be stuck with him, the crop of Conservatives lately sure are a strong argument against labour mobility in Canada. Our home grown nut bars like Manning were amusing and may even make the occasional intelligent point but these imports are another story.

    Old Jack Mintz sitting on the board of both Imperial Oil and Morneau Shepell, a foot on both sides it would seem.

    Reply
  12. tom in ontario

    November 29th, 2019

    “I think Kenney has given up his dreams of becoming Prime Minister….”
    Kenney has ranted so much on the evils of eastern Canada it seems impossible for him to have any credibility in national election campaigns. His off the wall comments along with his actions as Alberta premier likely ensure that only the truest of blue Tories in Ontario would vote for candidates with him as leader. I hope I’m right.

    Reply
  13. Carlos Beca

    November 29th, 2019

    Sign this and send it to friends – lets give him the benefit of at least having the longest petition against him

    https://www.change.org/p/lt-governor-lois-mitchell-petition-lt-governor-lois-mitchell-to-dismiss-premier-jason-kenney-from-office?recruiter=937076455&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=psf_combo_share_initial&utm_term=psf_combo_share_initial&recruited_by_id=a2d84630-334a-11e9-91da-a96e711a8ab0&utm_content=mit-18619876-10%3Av4

    Reply
  14. Bill

    November 29th, 2019

    David,
    We need a like button, there have been some totally awesome replies here.

    Reply
    • Northern Loon

      November 30th, 2019

      I agree! Or I suppose I should say “like!”.

      Reply
  15. Abs

    November 29th, 2019

    Oh, man. This:

    https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calgary/wexit-pipeline-delays-hurt-alberta-reputation-1.5379203

    Their biggest mistake might have been inviting one of the speakers at the conference. You can guess which one.

    I disagree with this statement by Westjest CEO Ed Sims. “The more we talk about uncertainty, the more we talk about tough times, the more we manifest that reality and it becomes our new reality,” he said.

    Talking about it isn’t the problem. Causing the problems is the problem. The new reality is our reality. Denying reality won’t make it go away. Making up a unified story as Mary Moran suggests won’t make it go away. I’m sure we’d all like it to go away, but here we are, stuck with it and no end in sight. Another lost opportunity for 1000 non-oil and gas jobs — gone. Who’s to blame for that? Hint: look at the source of the problem.

    Reply
    • pogo

      December 2nd, 2019

      Ah hah! The source of this problem is? Fundies hoping plutocrats will entice oligarchs to hire autocrats! Ain’t life grand! It’s amazing to me that yet over and over again, we’re confronted with the fact that any vulnerability we have will be relentlessly exploited by sociopathic broken toys. Merry Christmas baby! https://youtu.be/ShCRN3tFy80

      Reply

Leave a Reply

  • (not be published)