A Christmas Message from the Prime Minister of All the Canadas:
It’s Christmas, and despite the best efforts of our gallant flyboys in their ancient CF-18s, which I intend to replace as quickly as possible with sleek stealth bombers upon securing another strong majority mandate, Santa Claus has again snuck through the NORAD defence shield last night to create soul-destroying dependency on socialist handouts among innocent children.
The Red-suited old subversive’s comrades throughout North America may be crying Viva Santa por siempre today, but we True Free Market Canadians know better. What else could he be up to but no good since there is no apparent profit motive for his so-called “generosity” – just ask Ayn, my hero Leo, or even doddering old Preston!
My government will look at strong new consumer protection legislation after we are returned to power with a Strong Conservative Majority Government ™ to put an end to this bearded old villain’s communistic deceptions.
The question that confronts us as Canadians this difficult Christmas, however, is more serious than the antics of that old economic-freedom-hater and his red-nosed fellow travellers. To wit: What are we Canadians prepared to do about our most dangerous and expansionist Arctic neighbour, the one that refuses to respect the international order that makes us a family of nations and is now casting covetous eyes on our precious Canadian North Pole?
Obviously, at the very least, heavy economic sanctions are in order, possibly war if our tanks can be prevented from falling through the ice, which seems to be extremely thin this year for reasons we do not fully understand. Unfortunately, the lazy and overpaid bureaucrats in the Department of Northern Market Development’s scientific division are not answering their phones this winter. They’re probably out spreading their global warming rot!
And where are our wavering NATO allies? This is 2014, not 1956! Don’t they understand that we must stand ready to take further measures if required? That we may have to invoke Article V of the North Atlantic Treaty and send tanks into the perfidious enemy’s Baltic lair!
Well, at least we can depend on our stouthearted friends like Matthew Fisher over at Postmedia News to demand that we now send in the Canadian Rangers, the thin red-and-camo line whose heroic Sov Pats stand on guard for our True North Strong and Free every day, or quite a few days anyway. Like us, this smart young journalist (judging from his picture) is always enthusiastic about sending Canadian tanks to deal with tin-pot European imperialists!
I speak, of course, of the militaristic and colonialist leader of the Danes, whose henchmen even as this is written advance their schemes to seize our North Pole and the immensely rich petroleum reserves (revise this, would you, Ray?) that lie beneath it.
One only need to gaze into the steely grey eyes of their “Øverste Leder,” Helle Thorning-Schmidt, to realize these are the same Danes who ravaged the coast of England, demanding Danegeld and more, threatening the noble King Æthelred the Badly Advised, whence, eventually and via a complicated route, came the Royal in our beloved Royal Canadian Air Force, which we know as the FARC for some reason in the other official language. (Why can’t they just speak English in Quebec like the rest of the world?)
If I could shake her hand, I would courageously look the Danish tyrant in those chilling eyes and say: “Ms. Thorning-Schmidt, I guess I’ll shake your hand, but you need to get out of Arctic now!”
Clearly, it’s time we Canadians put some boots on the ground – or, rather, mukluks on the ice – at the North Pole, our legal case notwithstanding. Legal cases! What are legal cases in the face an enemy as cruel, unrelenting and opposed to free markets as the Danes? Canadians must be prepared to pay the cost, and if that means cutting transfer payments to Ontario, especially if my government fails to get another Strong Conservative Majority Government ™, so be it!
Idle combat boots are the Devil’s parade ground, and it’s time to put our Canadian boots back to work, although we’ll need to be careful and ensure our valiant northern warriors do not stomp too hard and risk going through the ice, which as I may have mentioned earlier is quite thin this year. (For crying out loud, Ray, have you gotten through to those slackers at DNMD yet?)
The threats against our nation are many and grave. But we Canadians have faced great dangers before, as in the War of 1812, which ended just yesterday 200 years ago with our unquestioned and undeniable Canadian triumph.
God bless Canada! God bless the North Pole! God bless Laureen and the kids, wherever they are tonight! God bless the cat! God bless Ray, my chief of staff! God bless us every one! And a Merry Christmas – and only Christmas, by the way, none of those weird godless foreign holidays – to all! Except the Danes. And Putin. And Trudeau. And Mulcair. Also Kathleen Wynne. Good night.
Alert readers will have realized by now this message is not actually from the prime minister of Canada, but some person or group, possibly North Korean, Danish or somehow connected with Kathleen Wynne’s smart-aleck Liberals in sophisticated downtown Toronto where they think legalizing marijuana is a good idea, bent on discrediting the Only Government That Can Save Canada From Foreign Terrorists and Other Scary Threats. Our technicians are working on regaining control of the Interwebs and buying secure new voting machines. As soon as we have, and have a renewed Strong Conservative Majority Government ™, we’ll tell Canadians to stand down. That is all!