Happy Canada Day from the prime minister of Canada and the premier of Alberta, channeled by Perfesser Dave

Posted on July 01, 2014, 2:02 am
7 mins

Oooooh! Happy Canada Day, Canadians. Enjoy yourselves. Prime Minister Steve Harper and Premier Dave Hancock wish they could be here with you and Perfesser Dave. Below: Mr. Hancock and Mr. Harper … Happy-Happy!

Happy Canada Day!

Perfesser Dave, here, the political predictions guy, speaking on behalf of my friends Stephen Harper and David Hancock, who weren’t available to talk to you last night.

Both of them were really, really busy getting ready for Canada Day today, but I know they would want me to let you know they hope you have the best Canada Day holiday ever! And they hope you’ve had a really great weekend up to now, too, and didn’t have to work like they did, seeing as they’re the prime minister of Canada and the premier of Alberta.

First thing, never mind what you read on the Internet, I’m sure Steve was really happy with the by by-election results last night in Alberta, and if the Liberals got a couple of seats in Toronto, well, whoop-de-doo! What did you expect from that town, anyway?

If Steve could be here to talk to you, he’d have said it was mostly just Knee-Dippers and Grits fighting with each other in Toronto anyway, and there’s not much his guys could do about that but sit back and hope they beat the crud out of each other, which they sort of did in Olivia Chow’s old riding.

Now, I’m sure the PM will want to tell you he’s going to take another look at the pot smoking ads about Justin Trudeau. It would be better for the Tories, of course, if Rob Ford smoked pot and Justin smoked crack. But in a by-election you just have to work with the best facts you can make up in the time you have.

Of course, the Macleod riding south of Calgary was going to vote for Steve’s Tories anyway because they always do, even if the locals didn’t pick the most pro-gun candidate, which I reckon the PM worried for a while might be kind of a problem – and, come to think of it, maybe it was, because at last count the Conservative candidate down there was getting less than 70 per cent of the vote!

Just the same, as Steve would say if he liked soccer as much as he loves hockey, no harm no foul! That is a soccer saying, isn’t it?

As for the by-election up in Fort McMurray, well, I’m sure the PM was really yukking it up last night at all the trips Justin Trudeau took out there because he thought his Liberal guy – who had the cheek to kinda look like Steve – could actually win.

Good one! That’s why you hold elections in places like Fort Mac in the middle of a long weekend, for crying out loud, because all the Liberal voters are home in Newfoundland and the Tories are at home on the farm in the Municipal District. Bingo!

Well, it worked, so maybe the next federal general election may have to be in the middle of a long weekend too! Because you’ve got to know there are a lot of ridings like Fort McMurray-Athabasca out there in the Canadian Homeland, and there will be even more if Steve has anything to say about it.

As Steve would say if he could be here with you, the Grits can call it a moral victory if they like and as the NDP probably will, but by the time everyone’s recovered from their Canada Day hangovers, it won’t even be on the radar. Fort Mac will be Conservative just like it’s been for the past 56 years, and Pipelines Ho!

I bet Steve was chugging back a couple of brewskies last night to celebrate the minute his fart-catchers shooed the photographers out of the neighbourhood.

As for Dave Hancock, well, it had to be a good day for him, splitting up the long weekend into two parts, even if he had to work yesterday putting out the annual financial reports that don’t even look remotely like the budget his party introduced less than four months ago.

Doug Horner, his finance guy, announced a surplus that wasn’t really a surplus and hardly anyone even noticed or complained about it.

Well, OK, the Alberta Liberals sent out a news release that said Alberta’s surplus was really a $302-million deficit, but who even gets their releases, let alone reads them? And the Wildrosers pegged the deficit at about $2 billion. Same story.

Anyway, Ole Doug’s got more sets of books than an all-night trucker dodging the Idaho State Police Highway Patrol outside of Pocatello, so nobody knows what the hell’s going on. I think even Doug and Dave are pretty confused nowadays, so you can imagine how the Opposition feels! But by the time Wednesday rolls around, the only thing Albertans are going to remember is “surplus of $775 million.”

So I am pretty certain that both Steve and Dave would want you to have so much fun today that you don’t even remember your own name or where you live when you wake up on Wednesday … or Thursday, or whenever.

Fill your boots, Canadians! You deserve it!

Happy Canada Day! We are Canadian! Your country is in good hands.

Perfesser Dave’s Canada Day blog also appears on Rabble.ca.

4 Comments to: Happy Canada Day from the prime minister of Canada and the premier of Alberta, channeled by Perfesser Dave

  1. anonymous

    July 1st, 2014

    Thanks perfesser fer unfuzzyfying the fuzzifikation. And Happy Alberta Day to you too! I’m going to celebrate our national holiday the traditional way – drive my new pickup and trailer to the lake and ride my jet ski to chase away them varmint beavers and loons. After all, they just get in the way of all us law abiding jet ski enthusiats. And if I catch cite of any of them their grass smoking pinko commie luver preverts, you can be sure that I’ll take a run at them, too – but that’s probably too much to hope fer.

    In closing, I leave y’all with this heartfelt rendition of are new national anthem.

    http://www.youtube.chttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtUH2YSFlVUom/watch?v=dtUH2YSFlVU

    Reply
  2. anonymous

    July 1st, 2014

    Thanks perfesser fer unfuzzyfying the fuzzifikation. And Happy Alberta Day to you too! I’m going to celebrate our national holiday the traditional way – drive my new pickup and trailer to the lake and ride my jet ski to chase away them varmint beavers and loons. After all, they just get in the way of all us law abiding jet ski enthusiats. And if I catch cite of any of them their grass smoking pinko commie luver preverts, you can be sure that I’ll take a run at them, too – but that’s probably too much to hope fer.

    In closing, I leave y’all with this heartfelt rendition of are new national anthem.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtUH2YSFlVUom/watch?v=dtUH2YSFlVU

    Reply
  3. jerrymacgp

    July 1st, 2014

    Less than one in three eligible voters interrupted their Canada Day “long weekend” (somewhat of a misnomer: Monday was actually a work day for many, although those with more foresight than I booked vacation days that day) to vote in the two more hotly contested ridings in Hogtown; out here in Oilberta, fewer than one in five (19.6%) voted in Macleod, and fewer than one in six (15.2%) in Fort McMoney.

    What does this mean for the next general election? Absolutely nothing, IMHO. One can expect that turnouts in most of Canada will be sharply higher, and in Alberta might even struggle above 33%, when the government of the day is on the line.

    Reply
  4. Athabascan

    July 1st, 2014

    jerrymacgp

    I think you mean Tarberta.

    Reply

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