A steward serves Alberta Premier Alison Redford as members of her entourage dine nearby during their return flight from South Africa. Don’t worry, this is satire, and actual Alberta politicians and their political advisors will never appear exactly as illustrated. Below: Nova Scotia Premier Stephen McNeil, obviously suffering from a defeatist attitude and a regional inferiority complex, prepares to pay for his own ham and cheese sandwich. So why is he smiling?
It only cost $946.44 for Nova Scotia Premier Stephen McNeil to travel to and from South Africa for Nelson Mandela’s funeral last month because Nova Scotians have a defeatist attitude that makes them always want to take government handouts, a senior spokesperson for Alberta Premier Alison Redford explained yesterday.
“Well, we don’t have a defeatist attitude here in Alberta, that’s for darn sure,” said the spokesperson, who could not be identified because he was not authorized to talk about what he was talking about even though he was talking about it.
“In fact, all Albertans would have been really embarrassed if their premier had spent less than a thousand dollars to get to South Africa,” the spokesman said. “I mean, really! But what do you expect from a Liberal? You can’t even go to Mexico for a week for less than a thousand smackers!
“Did McNeil stay at the YMCA, or what? Talk about a premier with a regional inferiority complex!”
By contrast the travel tab run up by Premier Redford, a Progressive Conservative, was about $45,000, which is a far more appropriate level of spending for the leader of a first-rate province like Alberta, led by some of the sharpest political minds on the planet, the spokesman said. “Seriously, people, if you want quality, you’re going to have to pay for it.”
He noted that Albertans don’t want their premier cadging rides from Prime Minister Stephen Harper when there are first-class seats going empty on Air Canada flights. “And McNeil can bring his own baloney sandwiches if he wants,” the Redford spokesperson added, “but that’s not the way we do it in Alberta – or pretty well anywhere else in the world when we’re travelling with Ms. Redford, which, believe me, is most of the time!”
“Anyway,” he asked, “why would Alison fly back with Harper when he’s made it clear he likes Danielle Smith better?”
The Redford spokesman expressed surprise Mr. Harper would even let Mr. McNeil onto the plane, since the PM was the first Canadian to identify the problem Maritimers have with handouts and defeatism, way back in 2002.
The spokesman chuckled: “If McNeil wants other Canadians to see Nova Scotia as a first-rate province like Alberta, he’s going to have to start giving the old MasterCard ™ a better workout when he’s on the road!”
Note: Once again, apologies to Andy Borowitz. This is satire again, and as usual I just made most of it up. Follow the links above to see which parts are true! This post also appears on Rabble.ca.
Frankenstein has escaped from captivity and is wreaking havoc in the villages of Canada. Dr. Frankenstein, his research being financed by oil corporations, has refused to tame his monstrous creation. The villagers are busy constructing torches and pitchforks.
A price tag of $946.44 is believable as I can personally attest. Years ago, in the pre-internet days, I traveled to the dark continent and back for half that price. It meant seeking out shady travel agents in third floor walk up offices that may or may not double as the local opium den but we’re all God’s children.
I have memories of flying in a massive 747 Air France jet and then switching over to a little 18-seater. How cool is that?
And landing into Khartoum International at 6 o’clock in the morning and being led into the office of the chief of airport security. What the hell does he want, I kept asking myself. He shook my hand, handed me a US $50 bill and kindly requested I buy a couple bottles of whiskey for him in the duty free shop.
Sure thing, I said, happy to do my part in the corruption of Islam.
The justification for Redford’s early return was weak; she wanted to swear in a new Cabinet. The organization of the executive branch is actually an internal party issue. It may be of concern to the public, but it’s not technically a “public” event. So maybe, if it was REALLY that urgent to get back for what is essentially a private organization’s event, that private organization should foot the bill.