NDP environment minister, premier blamed for withdrawal of Senator Lindsey Graham from presidential race

Posted on December 21, 2015, 2:26 pm
4 mins

PHOTOS: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham dropped out of the race to become the Republican Party’s presidential candidate this morning. Well-informed sources point to Environment Minister Shannon Phillips and the rest of Alberta’s NDP government as the reason he had to quit. Below: Phillips, who is now thought to be plotting to go after Donald Trump in order to install another anti-pipeline Democrat in the White House.

Alberta Environment Minister Shannon Phillips and Premier Rachel Notley are obviously responsible for the withdrawal of South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, a great and true friend of Alberta, from the U.S. presidential race this morning, says a spokesperson for Alberta’s Wildrose Party.

Sen. Graham dropped out of the contest to become the Republican Party’s presidential candidate, who is scheduled to lose to the Democratic Party candidate on Nov. 8, 2016. According to USA Today, the main reason Sen. Graham dropped out was that outside of South Carolina nobody has any idea who he is.

PhillipsBut he probably wouldn’t have had to quit if the NDP hadn’t almost snubbed him during a visit to Alberta’s oil sands last summer, said a Wildrose spokesperson who can’t be identified because he usually Tweets anonymously.

“Alberta could have had a direct line into the White House if the environment minister and the premier hadn’t let Alberta down by almost blowing off this top level U.S. Senator and presidential candidate,” the spokesperson said in an exclusive private Twitter message to your reporter. “I’ve got the press release to prove it.”

“I blame Phillips and Notley for Senator Graham’s withdrawal from the presidential race, as I think any fair-minded Albertan would, #ableg,” the Wildrose spokesperson also Tweeted efficiently to the public in 137 characters.

“It’s part of the Alberta NDP’s dangerous economic experiment of installing anti-pipeline Democrats in the White House,” the spokesperson said in another Tweet of 116 characters. “Phillips and Notley will probably go after Donald Trump next, which would be a tragedy.” (87 characters.)

“This just shows the kind of permanent damage and economic vandalism electing socialists can do to Alberta,” he concluded in a final Tweet of 105 characters.

Sen. Graham visited Alberta’s oil sands in August in the company of another U.S. senator and a congressman, both of whose names escape your reporter at the moment. That was when he was hosted with insufficient enthusiasm by Phillips.

The Wildrose Party’s official position is that not having a minister at the airport with a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates and a brass band like Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall gave the wrong impression at a time when Alberta’s energy economy is hurting.

The official Opposition party also believes Wall is perfect in every way and is personally the reason Saskatchewan is not running a budget deficit despite low oil prices, which Alberta could also do if only Wall would come here and be premier too, which is exactly what would happen if only the Lootenant-Governor would allow a recall election. The fact Saskatchewan has a five-per-cent sales tax has absolutely nothing to do with it.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This article is an example of news satire. That means the author just made up all the quotes and stuff. Well, except for the bit about nobody knowing who Sen. Graham is, plus all the stuff copied from real Wildrose news releases, and most of the part about the Wildrose Party’s official position on Brad Wall. Other than that? It’s all fiction.

10 Comments to: NDP environment minister, premier blamed for withdrawal of Senator Lindsey Graham from presidential race

  1. Jeem

    December 21st, 2015

    Wow. If our leaders can single-handedly bounce GOP presidential candidates, let’s focus on Trump, and do the world a favor.

    Reply
  2. Athabascan

    December 21st, 2015

    Wonder how long before the right wing nuts in AB will be calling for Shannon’s assassination.

    I also wonder how long before the RCMP actually do their job and swoop down on those making such threats.

    Reply
    • Jason

      December 22nd, 2015

      Don’t hold your breathe……

      Reply
  3. Rod Feland

    December 21st, 2015

    LOL, David that is Hilarious!

    I am just afraid that some people will actually take it seriously.In fact I know a few that would. I can’t even talk to them anymore.

    Shannon and Rachel must be astounded by the power and influence they now wield!

    Reply
  4. ronmac

    December 21st, 2015

    At .000004932578900000345 per cent in the polls I was wondering when he was going to drop out

    Reply
  5. David Climenhaga

    December 21st, 2015

    A number of my more right-wing detractors on social media were annoyed at this post because they … ummmm … didn’t get it till they saw the disclaimer at the bottom that it was a put-on, albeit one that followed the Wildrose formula rather closely. What can I say, other than repeat what my Mama always old me: “Stupid is as stupid does.”

    Reply
    • Lars

      December 22nd, 2015

      To be honest with you, I had some trouble myself. But that’s because the Wild Rogues have become self-parodying.

      Reply
  6. Expat Albertan

    December 21st, 2015

    David you naughty boy….you had me going there!

    Reply
  7. Val Jobson

    December 22nd, 2015

    Was that the guy Prentice was palling around with while he was premier?. I remember it was some obscure American politician with unrealistic presidential aspirations.

    Reply

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