NDP environment minister, premier blamed for withdrawal of Senator Lindsey Graham from presidential race

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PHOTOS: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham dropped out of the race to become the Republican Party’s presidential candidate this morning. Well-informed sources point to Environment Minister Shannon Phillips and the rest of Alberta’s NDP government as the reason he had to quit. Below: Phillips, who is now thought to be plotting to go after Donald Trump in order to install another anti-pipeline Democrat in the White House.

Alberta Environment Minister Shannon Phillips and Premier Rachel Notley are obviously responsible for the withdrawal of South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, a great and true friend of Alberta, from the U.S. presidential race this morning, says a spokesperson for Alberta’s Wildrose Party.

Sen. Graham dropped out of the contest to become the Republican Party’s presidential candidate, who is scheduled to lose to the Democratic Party candidate on Nov. 8, 2016. According to USA Today, the main reason Sen. Graham dropped out was that outside of South Carolina nobody has any idea who he is.

PhillipsBut he probably wouldn’t have had to quit if the NDP hadn’t almost snubbed him during a visit to Alberta’s oil sands last summer, said a Wildrose spokesperson who can’t be identified because he usually Tweets anonymously.

“Alberta could have had a direct line into the White House if the environment minister and the premier hadn’t let Alberta down by almost blowing off this top level U.S. Senator and presidential candidate,” the spokesperson said in an exclusive private Twitter message to your reporter. “I’ve got the press release to prove it.”

“I blame Phillips and Notley for Senator Graham’s withdrawal from the presidential race, as I think any fair-minded Albertan would, #ableg,” the Wildrose spokesperson also Tweeted efficiently to the public in 137 characters.

“It’s part of the Alberta NDP’s dangerous economic experiment of installing anti-pipeline Democrats in the White House,” the spokesperson said in another Tweet of 116 characters. “Phillips and Notley will probably go after Donald Trump next, which would be a tragedy.” (87 characters.)

“This just shows the kind of permanent damage and economic vandalism electing socialists can do to Alberta,” he concluded in a final Tweet of 105 characters.

Sen. Graham visited Alberta’s oil sands in August in the company of another U.S. senator and a congressman, both of whose names escape your reporter at the moment. That was when he was hosted with insufficient enthusiasm by Phillips.

The Wildrose Party’s official position is that not having a minister at the airport with a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates and a brass band like Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall gave the wrong impression at a time when Alberta’s energy economy is hurting.

The official Opposition party also believes Wall is perfect in every way and is personally the reason Saskatchewan is not running a budget deficit despite low oil prices, which Alberta could also do if only Wall would come here and be premier too, which is exactly what would happen if only the Lootenant-Governor would allow a recall election. The fact Saskatchewan has a five-per-cent sales tax has absolutely nothing to do with it.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This article is an example of news satire. That means the author just made up all the quotes and stuff. Well, except for the bit about nobody knowing who Sen. Graham is, plus all the stuff copied from real Wildrose news releases, and most of the part about the Wildrose Party’s official position on Brad Wall. Other than that? It’s all fiction.

Categories Alberta Politics News Satire