Alberta’s United Conservative Party Government plans to strike a Blue Ribbon Panel on Blue Ribbon Panels.
With the global coronavirus pandemic and the worldwide collapse of oil prices, the United Conservative Party Government believes it will need even more “expert panels” to justify potentially unpopular policies it intends to enact, sources say.
Former Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper is expected to chair the panel.
“We still hope to do a lot of things that Albertans are really going to hate,” explained a party insider who is not authorized to comment publicly. “The longer we’re in power, the harder it gets to blame the NDP for stuff we want to do, and nothing seems to stick to Justin Trudeau ever since he grew that Abraham Lincoln beard, so we’ve found the best thing we can think of is to say that the experts told us we have no alternative.”
This strategy worked well with original Blue Ribbon Panel chaired by former Saskatchewan Finance Minister Janice MacKinnon and it still seems to be working with the Economic Recovery Council chaired by University of Calgary economist Jack Mintz but really chaired Mr. Harper, the exclusive AlbertaPolitics.ca source said.
“But we’re going to need a lot more blue ribbon panels, and there are only so many ideologically sound people in Alberta who also look like they actually might be experts,” the source explained.
“Take that safe injection site panel,” the source observed. “That one sort of cratered when folks got a look at the members, not to mention when they heard the stuff they had to say.”
“Or the Fair Deal Panel. That would have been a toughie even if the Liberals down east weren’t footing the bill for the whole COVID thing. But what a gong show! I don’t think old Preston’s that much on the ball any more, even when he shows up. Light’s on upstairs, if you know what I mean, but half the time there’s nobody home! And that Donna Kennedy-Glans! Have you read her blog? Sheesh!”
The Blue Ribbon Panel on Blue Ribbon Panels will put in place a systematic approach that ensures future government initiatives are justified by panel members who look and sound like real experts but can be counted on to recommend the policies desired by Premier Kenney and the two or three cabinet ministers whose names he knows. The government will reach outside Alberta, or even Canada, if necessary to find the right experts who will make the right recommendations.
A sub-committee of the panel will be responsible for finding out what happened to the Alberta Inquiry Into Anti-Energy Campaigns by Foreign Funded Urban Greens and checking to see if anyone has heard from Commissioner Steve Allan. “That will be a lot less embarrassing than having to go to the cops to file a missing person report,” the source said.
The size and full membership of the panel will be announced later.
The Blue Ribbon Panel on Blue Ribbon Panels is expected to report in one year, on April 1, 2021.
As you should have surmised if you have read this far, this is an April Fool’s gag, a concept that seems strangely out of sync given the weird times we’re living through. But what the heck! The author is completely uninformed of any UCP plan to create a Blue Ribbon Panel on Blue Ribbon Panels, but you have to admit it’s probably something the UCP would think of, no? DJC