Basketball legend and self-appointed diplomat Dennis Rodman is reportedly heading to Alberta in an attempt to quell tensions between the increasingly isolated “Wild Rose Country” and the international community.
Sources say the 59-year-old Mr. Rodman – former star of the Detroit Pistons, San Antonio Spurs, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers and Dallas Mavericks of the National Basketball League – hopes to meet with the province’s secretive authoritarian leader, Jason Kenney.
Reports from within the Hermit Kingdom of Alberta paint a troubling picture of a propaganda-driven leadership cult that is focused more on portraying a macho image than dealing with the very real problems faced by the province’s people.
Among other bizarre claims, children in the province are taught that the Dear Leader’s grandfather was one of the most important musicians in world history, and that the government will protect them from Bigfoot.
Mr. Rodman has indicated he plans to speak candidly with Premier Kenney about normalizing relations with the rest of Confederation, and that he may offer to train the Alberta basketball team. “My mission is to break the ice between hostile governments,” he said.
When asked about the Kenney regime’s recent moves to limit freedom of assembly, Mr. Rodman added, “I hate the fact that he’s doing that, but the fact is that, you know what, that’s a human being, though. He’s going to let his guard down one day to me, a friend.”
“Why it’s been left to me to smooth things over, I just don’t understand, but something has to be done,” he said. “I’m just trying to open everyone’s minds to reach out to Jason Kenney.”
Alberta has grown increasingly hostile and isolated under Mr. Kenney’s rule, which reports reaching the outside world say feels like it started in 1948, as world markets have turned against the region’s only export, a kind of tarry sand known as bitumen.
Reached for comment, the head of Alberta’s official state propaganda agency (sometimes dubbed the “War Room”) would not confirm that Premier Kenney would have time to meet with the retired NBA star.
Today, of course, is April 1. Alas, Mr. Rodman is almost certainly not coming to Alberta, and he didn’t say any of this stuff – at least not about Jason Kenney. I am afraid we are all on our own with our premier. DJC